* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jimmy, Jerry Jeff, Michael and Robert are traveling by train to the Jazz Festival.
At the station, Jerry Jeff and Jimmy each buy a ticket and watch as Michael and Robert buy just one ticket.
"How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks Jimmy,
astonished at what he is seeing.
"Watch and learn," answers Michael.
They all board the train.
Jimmy and Jerry Jeff take their respective seats but Michael and Robert cram into
a wash closet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
Jimmy and Jerry Jeff see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so that night on the return trip,
 they decide to try a similar plan.
When they get to the station they see Michael and Robert at the window buying a
single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, Michael and Robert see that Jimmy and Jerry Jeff don't buy any
ticket at all.
"Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says
Michael.
"Watch and learn," answers Jimmy.
When they board the train the Michael and Robert cram themselves into the wash closet and Jimmy and Jerry Jeff cram into another one just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, Jimmy leaves his hiding place and
walks over to the other in which Michael and Robert are hiding.
Jimmy knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

She Eats Her Own Weight In Crabmeat

Jimmy, a 70 year old extremely wealthy man, shows  up at the Parrot Head Club with a breathtakingly beautiful young woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm.  She hangs over Jimmy's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. 
They corner him and ask, "Jimmy, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Jimmy replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask.
"So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Jimmy says, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you  tell her you were only 50?"
Jimmy smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Lola told Frankie time we put it to the test
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether
you are qualified to be a "professional Parrot Head".

Scroll down for each answer.
The questions are NOT that difficult.
1.  How do you put a male Parrot Head into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the Parrot Head, and
close the door.  This question tests whether you tend to do simple
things in an overly complicated way.

2.  How do you put a female Parrot Head into a refrigerator?

Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the female parrot head, and close the
refrigerator?  " (Wrong Answer)Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take
out the male Parrot Head, put in the female Parrot Head and close the door.  This tests your
ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.


3.  The Bwana is at his biggest concert ever.  All the
Parrot Heads are there except one.  Which Parrot Head does not attend?

Correct Answer: The female Parrot Head.  The female Parrot Head is in the refrigerator.  You
just put her in there.  This tests your memory.  OK, even if you did not
answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance
to show your true abilities.

4.  There is an outlet for front row tickets to the next concert but you have to be present to buy.
How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You go.  All the other Parrot Heads are attending the
big concert.  This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.


According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
Parrot Heads they tested got all questions wrong.  But many
preschoolers got several correct answers.  Anderson Consulting
says this conclusively disproves the theory that most Parrot Heads
have the brains of a four year old.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Jimmy Goin' to Confession

After the final tour, Jimmy moved into a retirement community where eligible men were at a premium. After he had been there for a week, he went to confession and said  "Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven different loose-women."
 The priest replied,  "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."
"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"
 "No," said the priest . . ."but it will wipe that silly grin off your face."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
BEISBOL
SITTING BEHIND JIMMY (who was particularly busy with media and friends) AT THE FORT MEYER BASEBALL GAME, THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER HIM IN  AN EFFORT TO GET  HIM TO MOVE.
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,"I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 PARROT HEADS LIVING THERE."
THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,"I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY  5O PARROT HEADS LIVING THERE"
THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO, THERE ARE ONLY 25 PARROT HEADS LIVING THERE."
WITH THAT, JIMMY TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY CALM, VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL...THERE AREN'T ANY PARROT HEADS THERE".

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A MIRROR THAT LIES
Back in the days of Nawlins, Jimmy and Jerry staggered home late after another evening of carousing and libation. Jerry slowly walked up  the stairs leading to his bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on the floor.  A  bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, Jerry sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror in a nearby bathroom, then managed to find a large full box of Band-Aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.
After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed. In the morning, he awoke with searing pain in his head and butt and grumbled downstairs. JImmy watched him from across the room.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jane and Jimmy
Jane and Jimmy were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Hawaii. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of many interested people.   A popular internet radio station was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.  "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained Jimmy. "We visited Key West and took a horse ride around the island. We hadn't gone too far when Jane’s horse stumbled.  She looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little farther and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to almost fall off. Once more Jane quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile farther when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.  I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"  She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once." "And from that moment we have lived happily ever after."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 Jimmy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an 
important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find  me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."
  Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
  Jimmy looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one." 

   * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

THE CHRISTIANS

Jimmy and Jerry Jeff both died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as rock stars. So what else would you like to be?"

Jimmy says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off  he flies.

Jerry Jeff mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week count, St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says Jerry Jeff, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and Jerry Jeff disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the rock stars. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Alaska."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

LIFE IS JUST A TIRE SWING

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00am by a loud pounding on the door.  The man gets up and goes to the door where a blonde stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.  'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning…and you’re drunk!'   He slams the door and returns to bed.  'Who was that?' asked his wife.  'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.
 'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'
 'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?  I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
 He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yesshir,' comes back the answer.
 'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband (soaking wet).
 'Yesshir!' comes the reply from the dark.
 'Where are you?' asks the husband.
 'Over here on the tire swing!' replied the blonde stranger.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Peddlers

Jimmy had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient. He gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
Jimmy is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and Jimmy points to a rock and says, "rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
Jimmy is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the throes of amorous activity. He is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
Jimmy goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief stoically replied, "My bike."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

DIXIE DINER

ELECTED OUR FAVORITE WOMAN PRESIDENT
The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman as President, Susan Mayer. A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, 'So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'
'I don't think so. It's a 30-hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'
'Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'
'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'
'Oh Dad,' replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington.'
'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'
The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington, I'll ensure your meals are surgeon general approved. Dad, I really want you to come.'
So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Mayer is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States.'
The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'
Dad, beaming with pride, says proudly, 'Her brothers played guitar in the Coral Reefer Band!'