FIRE IN MARGARITAVILLE
One dark night in Margaritaville, a fire started inside parrot headquarters and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.  The alarm went out to all the fire departments throughout the islands.  When the Key West volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the Head Parrot rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of my master tapes are in the vault in the center of the office. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
 But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon other island fire departments appeared as the situation became desperate.  As the fire fighters arrived, the Head Parrot shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could save the tapes.  From the distance, honking was heard as a truck came into sight. It was a group of Parrot Heads on what appeared to be an old pickup truck. To everyone's amazement, the old truck passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the headquarters.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.  Outside the other firemen watched as the  Parrot Heads jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Parrot Heads had extinguished  the fire and saved the secret formulas.
 The grateful Head Parrot joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave Parrot Heads.  The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the
 event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
 "Well," said one of the Parrot Heads, "the first thing I do is fix the brakes on my $100 pickup truck!”

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THIS HOTEL ROOM
Jane and Jimmy are traveling by car from Key West to Long Island. After twelve hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for the night. They stop at a nice hotel for the night.  When they check out, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. Jimmy explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, Jimmy insists on speaking to the manager. The manager appears, listens to Jimmy’s persistent complaint, and then explains that the hotel has an olympic-size pool and a huge conference center that were available for them to use. "But we didn't use them," Jimmy complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains Jimmy again. "Well, we have them, and you could have" the manager replies. No matter what facility the manager mentions, Jimmy replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is not moved, and eventually Jimmy gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "This check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says Jimmy. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the manager. "Well," Jimmy replies, "She was here, and you could have."

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 REVEREND JIM'S 1O COMMANDMENTS

1. Bwana is number one................and pass the tequila.
2. Praise Reverend Jim................. and avoid the porcelain alter.
3. Nobody speaks in vain to the Captain no more............but the stories we could tell!
4. Its' s thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning...............it's time for some truckstop salvation
5. Your folks will tell you about the Permanent Reminders to a temporary feeling....................listen to them.
6. You are Flesh and Bone..............don't be a bad poisen mon
7. Don't be a matrimonial infidel...................but live a little
8. Please don't steal the Peanut Butter.....................and you will live happily ever after
9. Don't make any withdrawals from the Bank of Bad Habits..............or too might become altered
10. No telling semi-true stories, committing little mortal sin...................or no blue heaven rendezvous

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MAGIC FINGERS
In his earlier years, Jimmy once worked on a cruise ship as a magician.
The audience was different each week, so he did the same tricks over and over again.
One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he
started shouting insults in the middle of the show, such as:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
Jimmy was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then the ship sank.
Jimmy found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea
with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:
"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?

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Here's Where It Gets Bizarre
Jimmy meets a woman in a bar. 
They talk, they  connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he  shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely  packed with sweet cuddly parrots. Hundreds of cute small parrots on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous parrots on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of parrots, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They have a couple drinks; turn the lights down and put on some soft music. She turns to him... they kiss... and commence to become overwhelmed with each other.  The next morning, they are lying there together, reflecting... the  woman lovingly asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
 And he answers: 
 "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

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Six String Music
A man appears before the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once I came upon
a gang of high-testosterone heavy metal punks who were listening to their bunk.
I directed them to my preference of Jimmy Buffett music, but they wouldn't listen.
So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed banger. I smacked
him on the head, ripped out his nose ring and threw
it on the ground, and told him, "If you cant hummmm it, it aint music!"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago."
 

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Jimmy and the Street Sweeper
Jimmy walks out of his office one afternoon only to find  himself face to face with a street sweeper.  The man asks Jimmy  for spare change. "What do you need the money for?" Jimmy asks. "I'm hungry, sir. I need a bite to eat," replies the man.  Happy with the answer, Jimmy draws out his wallet but just as he reaches in, he says, "You're not going to use this money to buy booze are you?"  "No,sir," replies the man. "I've never touched a drop."   "Well, then, you're not going to buy a cigar or a pack of cigarettes are you?"  "Oh, no sir...never touched the stuff."  "And is it safe to assume you won't be spending it on golf balls or green fees?" "No sir. I've never played golf.  I just do my job every day."
Jimmy puts the wallet back in his pocket and says, "I've got an idea. Why don't you come home and eat dinner with me and the wife?" The man says sure and off they go. Just as they pull into the driveway of Jimmy's home, the man says, "Wait a minute. How's your wife going to take a scraggly guy like me sitting at her dinner table?"  "She probably won't like it," Jimmy replies, "but I want her to see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, smoke, or play golf."

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TELEVISION PREACHERS WITH BAD HAIR AND DIMPLES
In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. 
After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.
     Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.
This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except, Jimmy, now an elderly 96 year old man.
"Brother Jimmy," the preacher asks, "are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," Jimmy arrogantly replies.
"Brother Jimmy, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-six," Jimmy snaps back quickly.
"Brother Jimmy, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a
man can live to be ninety-six and not have an enemy in the world."
Well, Jimmy walks down the aisle, slowly turned to face the
congregation, and blurted out, "I outlived the Sons-a- Bitches!"

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Six String Music
Jimmy, upon being newly married, was drafted and subsequently informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?" So his wife sent him back a guitar saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First, let's hear you play that guitar."

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Jimmy's Rules of Flying

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing, now crashing IS dangerous.
4. It is always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. THe ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. Don't believe me? Watch the pilot sweat when it stops.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
10. You know you have landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival, and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might just be another airplane going the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you have made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly. They are just so ugly, the Earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out the window is ground that is going round and round, and all you can hear is the commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundred of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It is always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward.
22. Keep looking around. There is always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It is the law. And it is not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

Fly safely now!

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Jimmy's Flying Lesson
On the occasion of Jimmy's first attempt to fly solo on the Hemisphere Dancer, he was quiet and looked a bit pale so the instructor struck up a conversation. "Scared, Jimmy?" he asked. Jimmy replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive." The instructor then asked, "What's the difference?? Jimmy replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education." 

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Jimmy and the Key West Police
Jimmy was going to bed the other night when Janie told him that he had left the backyard light on. As he looked out the bedroom window, he saw that there were people in the yard taking things from their pool deck.
He phoned the police, but they told him that no one was in the area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.
Jimmy said, 'OK', hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back. "Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my backyard stealing things. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've shot them all."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
Jimmy replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

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Jimmy, the Pilot
While flying recently, Jimmy found himself once again in trouble.  As he frantically tries to communicate with the tower and  to land the plane he yells out, "Lord, if you help me land this plane and let  me live, I will pay one half of my wealth to the church!"  Moments later, he crashes the plane but walks out unscathed.  As he passes through the airport, an air traffic controller asks him if he intends to pay the church.  Jimmy says, "I cut a better deal.  I told the Lord if he ever catches me in a plane again, he can have it all!"

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