ONE PARTICULAR WHALE

One day, little Jimmy was talking to his teacher in science class about whales. 
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. 
Jimmy refused to believe this and stated confidently that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.  Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible. Equally as irritated, Jimmy said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
Jimmy replied, "Then you ask him."

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MAYBE HE SHOULD HAVE ORDERED A TUBORG

Jimmy and his doctor stopped off at a bar for a their usual conflictions, a margarita and a hazelnut daiquiri. They sit up at the bar and order. The bartender begins making the drinks but was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri. It tastes like hazel nuts!"  To which Jimmy quickly replied, "Of course it's not, it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A Parrot Head walking along a beach was deep in thought. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish." The Parrot Head said, "Two front row tickets, at a reasonable price, to a Jimmy Buffett concert."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics and the difficulties of dealing with Ticketmaster or even attempting to get these tickets directly from Buffett. Keep in mind, I am one of his most loyal fans, my house is even decorated with palm trees, I have a wildly colored sidewalk, a Parrot Head Flag and a shark fin in every window. You know, he even owes me for certain favors he has asked me for like helping him out of that little dip in the ocean he took with his plane. I suppose I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The Parrot Head thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy?"

After a few minutes the Lord said, "You want Alpine, Irvine or Great Woods?"

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Jimmy got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to throw his weight around to try to make him uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

Jimmy said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So Jimmy says, "Well, see, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

Jimmy says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, Jimmy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jimmy, Robert, Jerry Jeff and Michael were golfing and after a few cajun martinis Michael tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. Disappointed he shouts, "What did I do wrong?" To which, Jimmy says, "you have a problem with your Loft."

Robert tees off next and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks, "What did I do wrong?" Jimmy again says "you have a problem with your Loft."

Then Jerry Jeff tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He begins to cuss and says, "What the hell did I do wrong?" Jimmy says "you have a problem with your Loft."

As they're walking to their balls, Jerry Jeff finally speaks up. He says to Jimmy, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?"

Jimmy says, "Lack of F***ing talent."

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Jerry Garcia, after living a dead head's life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a small Dead Head flag in the window.

"This house is yours for eternity, Jerry," said God. "This is very special. Not everyone gets a house up here."

Jerry felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a wild tropically colored sidewalk, 50 foot tall palm trees with an enormous Parrot Head flag, and in every window, a shark fin.

Jerry looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a superstar with many legions of Dead Head fans and I even went to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame."

God said, "So what do you want to know, Jerry?"

"Well, I didn't know Jimmy Buffett had died."

God chuckled and said, "Jerry, he didn't. That's my house."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Well, before the beaches, bars, ballads and boats, another kid and Jimmy were in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The other kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?

Jimmy says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."

The other kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

Jimmy then asks, "What are you in for?" The other kid says, "A circumcision."

Jimmy says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she took it back complaining that the radio wasn't working. "Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automated.  All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to and you will hear exactly that!"

She drives out, somewhat amazed and a little confused.  She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" Soon she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On The Road Again." The lady was astounded.  If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it. As she continued to drive, she saw a small sports utility vehicle swerving ahead of her.

"He must be wasted!" she muttered. And, from the radio, "Nibblin' on sponge cake....."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

One day while Jimmy was locked in catholic confinement, there was a nun at his school who was talking about the joys of children. She elaborated, "Having children is an act of God!"

Jimmy politely said, "Point of information - Snow and rain are also 'Acts of God', but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jimmy was sitting in his office in Nashville one day when, out of boredom, he decided to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

"This will look nice on my mantel," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

First, "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.

"I wish to be on an island." Suddenly he is Key West at the Chart Room.

He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! A guitar appears, Jimmy instantly begins playing the three cords and he hits the stage.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jerry and Jimmy walk into a pub in Key West early on to waste away a day. Sitting down, Jimmy clears his voice and says, "I hear you are a drinkin' fool. I'll give ya $500 dollars if you can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

This catches all the patrons ears, of course. The room is quiet and almost immediately Jerry ups and leaves. Thirty minutes later he shows back up and taps Jimmy on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", he asks.

Jimmy says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately Jerry tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as Jimmy sits down in amazement.

Jimmy gives the Jerry the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

Jerry replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jimmy, a priest and a rabbi were talking one day and during the course of the conversation, Jimmy casually asks the rabbi, "I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"

The rabbi responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Jimmy then asks the priest, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..."

The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."

The rabbi then asks the priest, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

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