Jimmy flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothin left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- if he could just get to the airport, he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So Jimmy was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later Jimmy, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. Jimmy thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

He got in the first cab in the line. "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." Jimmy then got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "Fifteen bucks." Jimmy said "OK" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Attractive woman sits across from Jimmy at Louie's and after a few beers, says, "I am going to ask you five questions and for each correct answer, you get a penny." Jimmy, being slightly amused and curious, says, "OK."

She first clears off the bar area in front of Jimmy and asks the first question, "Do you see anything on the bar? Jimmy says: "No." She says: "Here's a penny" and lays it on the bar.

She asks 2nd question: "Do you see any fruit?" Answer: "No." She says, laying another penny on the bar: "Here's a pair."

She asks 3rd question: "Do you see any animals?" Answer: "No." She says, laying another penny heads up on the table: "Here's a copperhead."

She asks fourth question: "Do you see any cars?" Answer: "No." She says, laying the fourth penny heads up on the table: "Here' a Lincoln."

She asks, finally, "Do you see any sex?" Jimmy says smiling: "No." She says, laying the fifth and final penny on the table, "And you wont for $.05, but I hope you like the way I'm thinking!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jimmy was playing mechanic one afternoon in his garage in prestigious West Palm Beach. He was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of his pickup when he spotted a famous heart surgeon standing off to the side of the street. Jimmy shouted from his garage, "Hey, Doc!!! I've heard of your work, come on over here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Jimmy as he continued to work on his car.

Jimmy straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me is doing basically the same work?" The good doctor leaned over, smiling, and said, "Try doing it with the engine running."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Two friends, Jimmy and Jerry Jeff, were walking down a city street one day when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Jerry Jeff adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Jimmy, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couple of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on his way. Jerry Jeff is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "Why the **** did you do that for?" shouts Jerry Jeff. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze." Jimmy replies, "And we weren't?"

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

CAPTAIN JIM, THE MASTER OF THE SEAS

One of our most beloved sailors, Captain Jim seemed to keep his passengers and krewe when at sea by a strange ritual he performed daily. While at sea he would go to his cabin and open a small safe, take out an envelope with a note inside and read it. After locking the paper back in the safe, he would return to his duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day, after a run on the rhum covenant, the first mate boldly asked him to see the note. Although somewhat embarrassed to reveal its contents, Captain Jim, found his way to the safe and opened it, got the envelope and gave it to his matey, and to his astonishment he read the words:

'Port: Left, Starboard: Right.'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

TICKETS ARE CONTRABAND

A man wins a ticket to a Buffett concert from a local radio station. When he gets to the concert he finds out that the seats are terrible. About an hour into the show he spots an empty seat near the front. He works his way down there and asks the man in the next seat over, "Is there anyone sitting here?" "No", replies the man. "Can you imagine someone having this ticket and not using it?" Our hero asked. "Well, it was for my wife, but she passed on recently." "Oh, I"m sorry. But couldn't you find a loved one or a relative to take the seat?" "No," he replies. "They are all at the funeral."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jimmy's First Guitar

Once while in his earlier years of Catholic confinement, Jimmy went to his mother demanding a new guitar. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well, Jimmy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room.

He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new guitar. Your Friend, Jimmy.

Now Jimmy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was... a brat. So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new guitar. Yours truly, Jimmy.

Well, Jimmy knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a guitar? Jimmy.

Well, Jimmy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running out of the house. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions.

He finally found himself in front of his Catholic church. Jimmy went inside and knelt down. Jimmy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a statue of the Virgin Mary and ran out the door. He went home, hid the statue under his bed and wrote this letter: Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a guitar. You know who.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

JIMMY'S MOM

Four Catholic ladies in Mobile were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace.'"

The third Catholic woman says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence.'"

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" Finally she replies, "My son is Jimmy Buffett. When he walks into a room everyone says, 'Oh, my God'."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

JIMMY'S FIRST AND ONLY CRUISE

Jimmy was on a cruise and was having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into a reef and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning, but Jimmy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through shark-infested water to a remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, who had managed to survive this far, but she was unconscious and barely breathing. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth to mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing and conscious again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My god, you saved my life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

Days go by. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. True heaven on earth in the his eyes. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter sweetheart?" she asks. "Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?" He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind putting on my shirt?" "Sure," she says, "if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Now would you put my pants on?" he asks. "Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" "Whatever you want sweetie," she says. Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

JIMMY PARKS HIS CAR

Jimmy walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So Jimmy hands over the keys to a new Range Rover parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the vehicle into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, Jimmy returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" Jimmy replies, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

WHY DID JIMMY GET THAT EARRING?

Michael is at work one day when he notices that Jimmy is wearing an earring. He knows Jimmy to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

"Hey Jimmy," he yells out - I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal out of it, it's only an earring." says Jimmy sheepishly. "No really," probes Michael, "How long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

WHO DOESN'T KNOW BUBBA?

Bubba was bragging to a bartender one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, the bartender called his bluff, "OK, how about Harrison Ford?" "Sure, yes, Harrison and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba arranges to fly he and the bartender out to Hollywood. They arrive at the studio and knock on Harrison Ford's door. Sure enough, Harrison shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, the bartender is still skeptical of the infinite friendships Bubba claims.

After they leave Harrison, the bartender tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Harrison was just professional coincidence. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," he quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba entering the front gates and motions him and the bartender over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the bartender is very curious now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," the bartender replies in a challenging voice. "Sure!" says Bubba. So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I am sure I can speak to the guards and ask to go upstairs where I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his friend has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his friend's side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His friend looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

WHERE DID JIMMY REALLY PICK UP HIS WASH AFTER HE JUST GOT PAID???

Well, maybe after a royalty check... anyway, once while sailing through the Caribbean, Jimmy had to make landfall to replenish provisions, etc., and found himself at harbor at a popular island. While walking down new streets where the music was loud, where neon signs bring in tumultuous crowds, he was fascinated with all the shops but he was looking for a laundry. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees a gentleman behind the counter. He politely asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?" The man answers, "Is name of the owner, mon." Jimmy, somewhat disbelieving, asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me, right here," replies the man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"It is simple," says the man. "Many, many years ago when I came to this island, I was standing in long line at Documentation Center. To pass the time, I start smokin a spliff cigar. Lady yell at me to put it out. Soon come, I get up in line and man in front was big blonde American. Lady look at him and say, "What is your name?" He says, "Hans Olaffsen." Then she look at me and go, 'What is your name?'" "I say, "Sam Ting." and the lady finally smile."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

JIMMY'S AND JERRY JEFF'S SIDE TRIP BEFORE KEY WEST

It's a little known fact that before they hit the road for Key West, Jimmy and Jerry Jeff decided to go skiing. They loaded up Jerry Jeff's van and headed west. Once they got to the mountains, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They got to a residence along the way and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jimmy politely said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the garage, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the garage and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jerry Jeff got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.

He called his friend Jimmy and asked: "Jimmy, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Jimmy's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "No need to apologize, Jimmy. She just died and left me everything!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

JIMMY, THE GREAT SEAPLANE PILOT

Jimmy, a great seaplane pilot, takes his girlfriend, Jane, out for a pleasant little picnic in a tropical meadow next to a tropical scenic pond. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Jane leans over to Jimmy and says: "Jimmy, kiss me." Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Jane's lips. "What are you doing, Jimmy?" says the startled Jane. "I am Jimmy, the great seaplane pilot. When I kiss your red lips, the source of profound wisdom and intellect, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Jane says, "Jimmy, kiss me lower." Our hero opens her blouse, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it over her bosom. "Jimmy, what are you doing?" asks the bewildered Jane."I am Jimmy, the great seaplane pilot, and when I kiss your white secrets, the splendor only you and I will share, I like to have white wine."

They resume their passionate interlude and Jane begins to breathe heavily with excitement. She leans close to his ear and whispers, "Jimmy, kiss me lower." Our hero lowers her clothing further, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He lights a match and puts it to the Cognac. Jane shrieks and dives into a nearby tropical pond. Standing waist deep, she throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "Jimmy, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" Jimmy strikes an heroic pose and proclaims, "I am Jimmy, the great seaplane pilot, if I go down, I go down in flames!"