THE TRUE STORY OF HOW JIMMY GOT HIS NOSE BROKE IN SPAGOS

On night down at Spagos Jimmy was feeling right! It was a Saturday night and he had just gotten paid. Soon enough he spots a fine lady sitting at the bar. Being the gentleman that he is, he approaches her and asks her if he could buy her a drink. Well, the lady took offense and told him very articulately where he could put his drink.

Jimmy, not known for accepting no quite so easily, persisted and asked her if she might like to dance. With this, she round houses him smack in the nose causing Jimmy to tumble to the floor. Rising, Jimmy spitting blood trying to accumulate all his remaining masculinity and pride says, "I s.s.s.s.suppose a b.b.b.blow job is ou.ou.ou.out of the question!"

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Now 16, Cameron had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Jimmy, his dad, immediately heads for the back seat,directly behind the newly minted driver.

Beaming, Cameron says, "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive."

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

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So this parrothead goes on vacation to Tahiti. He walks into the local beachside tavern and sees a horse behind the bar. He says, "Hey, what's going on here..." The horse says, "You got a problem pal? Never seen a horse tending bar before?" The parrothead says, "No problem, I just never thought the monkey would sell..."

 

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Do you know why Jimmy took so long to lose his virginity? Well, the truth may never be revealed but the following is evidence that he may have lost it earlier than later accounts have proven.

It is a little known legend that one of Jimmy's former girlfriends asked him to come home with her and have dinner with her and her parents. This being a big event, meeting the family for the first time, and a notable commitment to her and their relationship, she would consent to a highly amorous relationship immediately following, of course, the first such intimate occasion for Jimmy.

Naturally he is ecstatic but he has never had sex before so he takes a trip to the Grove Drug store to get some responsible protection. The pharmacist helps him politely, asking Jimmy how many condoms he would like to buy: a 3-pack, a 6-pack or the most economical size 12-pack. After careful consideration of his desires, Jimmy opts for the 12-pack knowing how excited he is and the visions he has about his immediate future. He believed he was going to be very busy not only that night but also in the nights to come.

On the evening of the special occassion, Jimmy shows up at the door and is met by his girlfriend. "Oh, I am so excited about you meeting my parents!" she exclaimed, "Come in!". Jimmy enters the house and is immediately brought to the dining room where eveyone begins to be seated. Jimmy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and Jimmy remains deep in prayer. Ten minutes pass and still deep in prayer. Finally after 20 minutes with his head down, his girlfriend leans over and whispers to him, "I had no idea you were so religious!" He turns to her and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

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After Jimmy Buffett dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Jimmy a little two bedroom house with a faded parrot banner hanging from the front porch.

"This is your house, Jimmy. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says. Jimmy looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Tie-died flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Greatful Dead banner hangs between the marble columns.

"Thanks for the house, God. But, let me ask you a question. I get this little two bedroom house with a faded banner and Jerry Garcia gets a mansion with brand new Greatful Dead banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"

God looks at him seriously for a moment, then with a smile, God says, "That's not Jerry's house, it's mine!"

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Frankie went to the doctor and told him that he was having a problem, that problem being that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam, the doctor told Frankie that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might be applicable if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk in Frankie's penis. Frankie thought about it for a while since the thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So he decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, Frankie was given the green light to use his new and improved equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend, Lola, and took her to one of the fanciest and nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of becoming extremely painful. To release the pressure, Frankie unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.

Lola was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said "Frankie, that was incredible, can you do that again"? Frankie, with his eyes watering, said "I think I can, but I'm not sure that I can fit another roll up my ass".

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A parrot head couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Lola, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "35." she replied. "And he still believes in genies? That's amazing."

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Two female ParrotHeads living in the tropics were planning to paint a room in the their residence. After conferring about the heat and the mess, the two decided to lock the front door of the house, strip off their cloths, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" called one of them. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two looked at each other and shrugged, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice hooters," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

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This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?", the priest asked. "They only know how to say "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?"

"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." "Thank you." said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!"

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Jimmy Buffett was daydreaming on a caribbean island one day when, suddenly, an angel appeared. Turning to Jimmy, the creature said, "I will grant you one of three boons -- infinite wisdom, infinite wealth or infinite health."

Jimmy thought for a minute, then replied "Wisdom."

"So be it." and the angel disappeared.

In the silence that followed, the Jimmy sat thoughtfully, saying nothing and staring off into the distance. Soon enough, a tourist passing by recognized Jimmy and asked how things were going. Without hesitating, Jimmy said, "I should have taken the money."

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After a few years of married life while living in New Orleans, Jimmy found that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to the doctor and his doctor tries a few things but nothing seems to work. Finally his doctor refers him to a voodoo doctor.

The voodoo doctor tells him "I can fix this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing smoke. The voodoo doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" Jimmy asks the voodoo doctor, "What happens when it's over?" "All you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for a year!"

Feeling very good about himself, Jimmy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says, "123", and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"

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One recent night, Jimmy and Jane were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Key West. Jane was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked Jimmy to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his house. He ran up the stairs. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:

"Come on guys, we're almost there!"

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Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and Jimmy Buffett are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? Jimmy Buffett, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

 

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Two young parrot head lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the show each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"